First times are everything…Really?

Of all the activities one can enjoy in the world, sex is easily in the top ten. It’s better than playing or watching soccer and more satisfying than eating pizza or gobbling the expensive liquor in town. Tupac Shakur said, “revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting p*ssy.” Naive best describes a young me before my abdalla met miss nunu. When your hitting on that girl, you act old despite being very young. After your comfortable enough to talk dirty to each other, all the research from movies and those bootleg porno tapes are turned into lines/lies that you feed her in preparation for the next time you’ll be home alone and hope for the best.

Saturday afternoon at a confused age somewhere between high school and campus I get home after an awesome session of football with the boys. I bump into my folks leaving the house and its the usual….”we’ll be back late there’s food in the kitchen na usijaze watoto kwa nyumba….” Straight to shower coz football gives you that foul stench but its a solid workout. As I get off the shower huko checking myself out in the mirror blowing that imaginary smoke…”riiiiiiing!”… our noisy bell rang. Wrapped myself in my towel and rushed downstairs while shamelessly shouting, “Ni nani?” As i opened the gate it was Sheila…..(Quick recap, Sheila was the girl i was currently feeding my lines/lies and im opening the gate for her in my towel)…. “come in” I said. Suddenly the house i was used to for very many years felt like i was trapped in a small box. It was the most awkward setting, because what i’ve always wanted to happen was eventually going to happen based on how the conversation we were having but on the other hand I was trying to avoid it due to lack sexual know how. At this point all the things you’ve been telling her have disappeared and that first approach anxiety hits you so hard your talking gibberish. An hour in and still nothing, im not sure whether i should try and touch her or kiss her because stories have died down and awkward silence rules the day.

Alas! I get a light bulb idea. “how about some music?” Luckily she enjoys music and now we are dancing. This was definitely an ice breaker coz now our bodies are close to each other, rubbing on each other and then finally our lips met and that was the longest make out session ive ever experienced coupled with groping and rubbing but eventually it got her there. Her top came off and my towel dropped off  and then she had a smile on her face as she looked down on me and that boosted my confidence. I really wanted my zoom zoom down her pum pum. Finally after immense foreplay, i went for the jugular. Slid off her pants strapped up but missed the mark the first three times until she made like a compass and pointed me in the right direction. Once inside it was full throttle, uncontrolled speed just back and forth. Sadly….”sikuwa hata mgeni wa chai, nilikuwa wa kuomba maji na kuondoka.” 13 pumps in and I released the biggest load and she was left there like REALLY!!! “And you wanted to do me all night?” She mumbled. My lines/lies came back to haunt me. Based on the speeds I was doing it was 0-13 in about 50 something (yeah it felt really short) seconds, damn in a different sport that would be brilliant. How was your first?

Until the next scribble. Have an awesome week…………………………………………

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On a Sunday?

Like one of my favourite characters the Undertaker,(when I was younger) I rise from my hiatus as he did once plunged into a coffin (the lies on that show). Greetings go out to y’all, been a minute I know but my mind had been distorted. Life can flip in a matter of seconds…is what people keep telling me. YOLO mentality is an infectious disease and don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with having fun, the issue comes when you go overboard a little too much for your age. This is how it usually begins…”Vipi baba… game wapi Leo? “ before you know it shorts and loafers or pants and sandals and your on a stool somewhere drinks on a barrel kind of setup waiting on your ka dry fry. Your obviously watching the game the mood is right drinks are coming without delay, your team is probably winning! Good feeling generally, then one friend just says…”hii pombe ya Sunday ni tamu” I know what your thinking, but no there’s no aromat it’s just the thrill of knowing I’m going to work Monday morning (though not all of us) for a meeting but this ambience is just so niiiiiiice. “Si tushike mzinga” he finishes the statement. Let’s do the math real quick…there are three guys one of them says…kesho job noma….the second guy says….twende mali kuna madem (for the boy child it’s all about points)…juu wakisha ona mzinga mezani….he completes his statement and just like that we are on a road called ngong in a chilled out spot and we are strategically positioned close to the runway(njia ya kupitia) just in case you spot it’s easy to pull, mzinga on the table just jiwekaing slowly. On this particular Sunday my boy pulls one girl and she’s warm and is friendly a little too much but we are least bothered. She then says, “Do you mind if we join you nguys? ” I don’t need to check my spelling that was actual. “Sure!” We all said. These girls were really dressed for the occasion and despite their accents there were no flaws.It was like staring at a mannequin on display at Gucci store only with a well rounded 🍑, the type that you look and you just know its trouble. The place starts getting packed and the runway is not cosy anymore, makes you wonder how unproductive people are on Monday based on posts on TL’s across social media na nikujitakia. So we tip a bouncer and for that 50ksh we get a serious escort across the crowd you’d think a politician is being transported. Nice and all perched up in a corner also where it’s warmer if you catch my drift 😂. We are all drinking and making merry and for some reason I got the light one not in the sense of weight (her booty was colossal) because she got high pretty quick and was all touchy and talkative. Alcohol has a way of bringing out the truth in people. This girl tells me “unajua tulikuwa tumewapangia” Wait what? So I engage. ..“aje?” She takes another sip/flash of Jack and goes… “ata ndio hii mchere lakini wewe ni mhadsome nataka nikuonyeshe Kayole” Instant soberness I took away her drugs and quickly texted my boys who seemed already in the zone “CTRL ALT DEL…….ESC ESC ESC!!” I just told them let’s clear the bill at the counter coz the waiter had said he’s shift was over. “wewe Jay kwani una haraka ya nini? “One of my boys said. I just dragged him upwards “kuja kiasi nikuambie” For someone who has been robbed a few times I wasn’t going to let it happen again. Finally at the bar counter I give them the story and show them the drugs but one of the girls spots us talking and quickly alerts her friends and out they go in a haste as the girl I was with still screaming “kuja kayole nitafute” as she staggers out. Until the next scribble……………..

First approach anxiety.

As water goes down the drain, there is a whirlwind of a spin that is created just before the water goes through the hole. Now picture you taking a tablet and as you chase it with water, the same effect happens and the tablet sort of sticks to your tongue and leaves you with a bitter taste. The cum face for such a scenario is award winning when your passed on by a man or a woman in a social setting for another. We are all animals in this urban jungle and its a man eat man society or better yet you snooze you loose. Follow my lead…….

Just like in traffic when you arrive at a social gathering it is essential to know your lane. We all have preferences be it BBW’s, slim, tall, short, well built….ya’ll get the picture. Get your drink and start socializing with your eyes (I didn’t say staring). It only takes seconds to glide through a room with your eyes leave alone an individual. Back to the road…there are several ways to approach a roundabout depending on where your destination is, you can’t all be clogged up in one place because thats how Jam is caused. Kindly keep up….. Drink in hand and the lap of honor commences, this leisurely stroll is meant to assist you identify your most preferred suitor for the night. If you happen to lock eyes with someone that you consider attractive to your taste, raise both your eyebrows put a smile on your face and mimic the words hi. Its a polite signal that shows intention to approach to both women and men. There is a funny saying that says honk when your in love, thats complete bull if you ask me. When you are requesting to be given way or when your giving someone way on the road, you flash your headlights once or twice its the closest thing to raising both eyebrows. Winking is just too creepy especially when you get it wrong and end up scratching your eyes as a cover.

Now that non-verbal communication has been established, its time to approach the intention. A woman would respond to the eyebrow raise with a giggle and that right there is the invitation. I am not sure about a guy…well never been that lucky. On a normal highway you can stop or slow down for a number of reasons, bump, zebra crossing, pothole, reckless drivers or just being overtaken. Cautiously strolling to the man or woman you have spotted, as you maintain eye contact avoid colliding with waiters or waitresses that can cause funny stains (reckless drivers), watch your steps (bumps), remember your not the only one who has spotted…allow for the other hopefuls to say hi and bye (zebra crossing). A slight chance someone might accidentally drop there drink on the floor making you to go around it (pothole). Finally the worst possible outcome, when someone else gets there ahead of you (overtaking), keep your cool and maintain your lane as you wait for the passing cloud to clear. Keep stealing glances and if your eyes lock once again, approach and recognize the competition first say hello and proceed to your prize. Avoid gashing and be cool with your conversation and it might be a happy ending.

The above isn’t meant to be a tutorial on engaging the opposite sex so kindly do not attempt and blame the bluntchap if not successful. The author experienced some luck along the way and saw it fit to share. Make your own luck……..Until the next scribble…………………

MosBluntChap is looking to do an interactive VLOG with an intimate crowd, if your interested kindly email at mostbluntchap@gmail.com. Kindly like the page https://www.facebook.com/mostbluntchap/ for more information.

Reality OUTWITS Fantasy.

The mind to me is the most powerful organ that God gave us. Without this organ your just flesh bones moving with the wind like a flag 30 feet high on a pole, zero direction. Your mind tells you who,where,what,when,why and how? In the organ hierarchy heart first mind second. Despite all these amazing oh so wonderful facts about the mind, every now and then someone will shout at you saying…..”Are you out of your mind????” The obvious response to that question is………”I dont know what I was thinking.” You wasn’t fucking thinking….SIMPLE!! You mind is a beautiful servant, then again your mind can be a dangerous master.

Things that occur in our everyday life tend to trigger emotions out of us that lead to unintentional acts. Its late evening in downtown Nairobi and I am at a coffee house sipping on a Mocha latte waiting on my date to arrive as mind wonders across the room. Staring at people and making judgments is the order of the day in my head. Half an hour gone and my table is still a companion less but Alas…I get a text….”Hey babe, just left the office and Ngong road is a mess i’ll be late.” Sigh!! Human nature, we hate being alone, we are inpatient and most of all moody. The disgust on my face after that text….”Excuse me sir is there a problem with your Mocha?” Just like that my mind was judging again. This waitress who was dressed in black and white was causing a whirlwind in my mind. I put some color in her work clothes which complimented her lovely smile and the fuck up begun…”My mocha is quite fine thanks. If you dont mind me asking, what time do you get off usually?” She blushed away on to wait on the next table, stealing glances every time she got a chance. Another 40 later, my date shows up and just to give you a clear picture, her lips were moving but my eyes were black and white and my mind was even further so to speak. “The smell of coffee is nauseating can we just leave?” As shocked as my date was we walked out of there….The next day passing through town, that little voice in my head…”how about a cup of coffee?”

Every bone in my body knew that was a wrong move but mind convinced me otherwise. Walked in sat down and there she was again…..”Mocha latte sir?” I smiled as she wrote down my order, “anything else?” she asked. “You, maybe?” I whispered. She walks away smiling. The thoughts in my head would make porn hub look armature, then again anythings possible in the mind. She came back with my order together with my bill which was rather unusual, I thought I had to finish first pay later. She however insisted that I clear the bill and she walked away. As I opened the booklet on top of the receipt was written….”follow me“…..Holy sh*t, blood boiling all the way down to my third leg almost tripped as i was waking up and like a elephant on heat I charged towards her. We ended up in the back office and she says “My boss will walk in any minute so hurry up.” That thrilling feeling you might be caught with a combination of dirty thoughts, the perfect ingredients for an incredible date for the genitalia.  As I pulled up her skirt to her waist I paused for a moment and had a THOUGHT and believe it or not with hands full of soft butt cheeks, I took my hard on back to my table. Got an earful of curses but I couldn’t be bothered, it was an escape for me I wasn’t dressed for the occasion…………..

Until the next scribble……………………

MosBluntChap is looking to do an interactive VLOG with an intimate crowd, if your interested kindly email at mostbluntchap@gmail.com. Kindly like the page https://www.facebook.com/mostbluntchap/ for more information.

Flat – line feeling.

Sugar spice and everything nice, don’t get it twisted i stopped watching power puff girls many years ago. I was just describing to you the beginning of a relationship. He or she can do no wrong, honeymoon stage where everyday is a holiday and everything has a 30% discount plus your always feeling generous for two. When the jokes are laughed at with exaggeration. Nothing he or she can say wrong. Highly infatuated with one another that a kiss leaves you tasting your lips after thinking to yourself….damn!!! At this point you master one another’s  scent and everywhere you go your nose is just on alert thinking they’ve passed there. The first dates are planned for properly, no holds barred, from dress code to having enough change in your pocket just in case the extra mile is needed. Like a baby with a new toy, the excitement is crazy like, almost retarded. Chatting is on an all time high, even after a long day at midnight y’all still awake sending smileys and kiss emoji’s. Every slow jam remind you of him/her. After playing around in the fountain of love and taking a sip, the decision is made to make it official…

From here the dimensions of the relationship are very different. Picture yourself as a driver and your carrying precious cargo, your instructions are to drive carefully avoid potholes and maintain a certain speed limit. Translation, don’t over indulge with the boys, reduce time with the girls, both cases are in the night. No more freedom, like a student in a classroom asking for permission to go the washroom, always wanting to know where the other one is with the excuse of caring but its mostly just keeping track. A late reply to a text warrants a phone call just to make sure you’ve received the text and a reply is produced. Glimpses of the negative of both parties start to reveal themselves based on situations. Throwing tantrums over lateness, lack of communication within  a certain period of time regardless of what one was doing and the silent treatment offered as punishment before make up.

At this point the EKG levels have slowed down drastically, still waters run deep kinda shit. A lot has been swept under the carpet waiting to be discovered, first big fight is looming. First fuck up eventually occurs and when the carpet is being aired out, all skeletons are revealed. Words are exchanged, hands are thrown but eventually make up and apologies save the day. The after effect is that, nothing is the same anymore. The relationship falls into a routine to avoid confrontation. Text in the morning for the sake and in the evening before you sleep to show communication. Enjoy other company besides one another. Soon enough one half of the relationship develops the flat line feeling or the plateau stage of a relationship. Yaani uko tu….  That feeling is so overwhelming that it causes them to ask for a break and how you handle it from there really depends whether the relationship will go on. Until the next scribble…………………Do take care.

MosBluntChap is looking to do an interactive VLOG with an intimate crowd, if your interested kindly email at mostbluntchap@gmail.com. Kindly like the page https://www.facebook.com/mostbluntchap/ for more information.

Perplexed.

Excruciating pain, slight movement causing discomfort in every nerve on my body. I am stuck in limbo where  fear is the order of the day. An experience no one needs to go through. Worst feeling in the world, hell feels like going to a SPA. Suicidal thoughts definitely creeping and close to conviction. Tears dropping down cheeks become as normal as sweat dripping down an exhausted armpit. Saying please God gets annoying and it turns to why God? No signs of light at the end of the tunnel, darkness becomes natural. Attraction to the vice becomes a means of survival, alcohol, drugs and money hiding the pain from showing its ugly head. Virtues become disgusting, you don’t see the point anymore, kindness, honesty,love…..for who? Finding the balance between vice and virtue is difficult, peers brand you a pretender. Can there really be a balance? Is it possible to enjoy Sunday Service and go relax in Sunday School later in the evening bumping to Ol’ Skul Jams sipping on some……

The best clothes, the best shoes, hang out in the best places with the coolest people, the struggle to fit in. Imagine a world with no trends, better yet no trend setters? If everyone had their own individual way of living no copy pasting. Free flow of ideas based on individualism rather than following the masses. Sadly not all of us think individually and yet God gave us brilliant minds. Still confused at how some couples blame pregnancy on being drunk, how come you got the hole right? No contraceptive, common sense neglected, all because you were high. They say the human being is most intellectual animal, in some cases thats debatable. I can not only see it but I also feel it, how broken everything is. “Be Strong.” A phrase easy to say but a hard thing to do when you’re broken.

Curiosity kills your innocence, yet we act like cats playing with balls of thread. Over thinking destroys your happiness, yet you cant help yourself like a dog with bones. Lies will disrupt the trust, but your here building a castle on a beach……The Truth? I like you. A lot. You make me happy. You make me happy. You’re smart. You’re different. You’re a little crazy and awkward plus your smile alone can make my day…..Why can’t every relationship be that simple? Waking up to nothing is enough to give you chills but we still have people who choose to do nothing and just chill. We can’t all go in the same direction, we all have different paths but why do some people experience same results? How do repeat experiences occur?

Pardon my train of thought today…..perplexed! Until the next scribble…………….

When Space becomes a luxury.

Started the week on a high but my graph started heading for the floor at a very fast rate.  Highlight of my drop was when my 1990 something locomotive gave up on me when I was going up a hill. Instead of saying the Lord’s prayer as I was reversing in a forward lane, I was cursing the hell out of it. Sadly you can’t airbrush reality, just like your woman, when your car demands service……I thank God though that my life didn’t flash before my eyes, guess it wasn’t time. After a lot of hooting and hurling of insults by other road users, I finally got my junk home safe. That was the easy part. I still had to go to my destination. Ladies and gentlemen the transition was a roller coaster of an experience.

The following happened in real time. First of all I had to carry everything in a backpack in addition to my wallet, phones and keys. Jeez I was feeling heavy already.In the comfort of my junk all those items have an allocated spot.  No vanity just how I like it. The journey begins, I get to the stage and I’m the last one to board so off we go. 2 minutes later I hear… “usiwache mathe.” I look around and wonder….”huyu mathe ataka kwa roof ama?” That lady with all her mizigo sat between me and the conductor and seeing that I am the smallest one in that relationship…they put the squeeze on me. The old lady then says…”Na unanukia vizuri”….thats how close we were, sadly reciprocation was a rumour. “Name bado unataka nilipe chwani” I asked the conductor. He just pointed to a sticker on the seat that said… “lipa bila fujo” 10nil I just paid and for the whole trip my upper lip kept touching my nose so to speak.  

Finally reached my stop and I had a flashback many years ago in primary school at PE class when your told “breathe in….breathe out” Still hadn’t reached my destination so onto the next stage.  Crossed the road to get there but even at the zebra crossing I was almost hit then the driver says “harakisha fala wewe” Well damn nigga. Reached the stage in one piece thank God. There was a lady and a bunch of street kids not so crowded, let me sit and wait. Kids come over where I was sitting and start playing with my hair and one of them asks me as he giggles “unataka kuwa rasta” We kept on joking around until a marathon came so I gave them thirty shillings and said goodbye but as I stood up something pulled me back. Cheeky little bustards had opened my backpack already but was just on time because they didn’t manage to swipe nothing and they were no where to be seen.Makes you wonder why all our athletes just do long distance. In the safety of the matatu now as we wait for it to fill up, this old man who looks like he’s panicking sits next me and keeps telling the driver…”let’s go bwana” Then he takes a driving school handbook and he is reading about signs and he turns to me and says…”im finally going to drive” I appreciated my junk even more.  Last person boarded was this young guy with huge headphones which looked like they were wearing him.We set off. As we were going u can’t help the fact that I was blessed with height so in essence in a 14 seater matatu I see pretty much everything in front of me. I wasn’t eavesdropping but let me bluntly say “macho hayana pazia” This pair of headphones in front of me was a smooth chap. Chatting up three different girls one he was going to see coz he texted… “enroute babe” the other he texted… “Had a blast babe (kiss emoji)” then the third one was….”so babe kesho we still on?”….My goodness where does he get the energy???  “Kila nyani na starehe yake” He’ll either get tired or get caught it’s just how the world works. 

Finally got to my stop……until the next scribble……